Dear Roe,My husband ejaculates too quickly, and when he’s done, he’s done. It upsets me because I feel he doesn’t want to continue for my pleasure or orgasm; I would love to finish too. We do some foreplay before penetration, which helps both our sexual desires. Yes, I do take a long time to orgasm, I have no clue why; around two to three hours – though by that time my vagina is very dry and I do feel some discomfort. He may not be interested any more because I take too long and his body starts to hurt. I don’t want to assume he has any serious problems on why he can’t last longer. I just want some advice that could help him to not ejaculate quickly, making our sex life a bit more intimate and fun. It’s going to be really important not to treat this issue as you versus your husband, or your pleasure versus his, but treating your shared sex life and enjoyment of it as an important part of your relationship that you’re approaching together, as a team. As soon as sex becomes a site where only one person’s pleasure is prioritised, or one person’s performance feels criticised, resentments and self-consciousness build – and they are the sworn enemies of sexual pleasure.Many women take time to orgasm, and many women need a lot of non-sex-focused foreplay like emotional connection, kissing, touching, holding, massages etc in order to orgasm during sexual activity. And the sexual activity most likely to result in orgasm is not penetrative sex – as I’ve repeated ad infinitum in this column, up to 80 per cent of women will never orgasm from penetrative sex alone. For most women, orgasm comes from clitoral stimulation, whether that’s with a lubricated hand, tongue, sex toy, rubbing, or positions that include clitoral stimulation as well as penetration.Reframing this as an exploration of pleasure rather than as a way of demanding your husband last longer will be important. Because in the same way that I would not tell a woman that she needs to have three hours of penetrative sex with a man in service of his orgasm for many reasons (fatigue, bodily discomfort, dryness, friction, pressure, the loss of desire, general sustainability with life’s routines) – demanding that your husband last for hours is not fair, realistic or physically possible for most men. Of course I hope that occasionally you both get to indulge in hours-long sex sessions (may we all live like Sting), but for more regular sex, I think focusing on exploring your body and pleasure would be more helpful in the long run.Sex research has long found that women regularly orgasm when masturbating, but the likelihood and ease of having an orgasm drops dramatically when having sex with a manIt may be worth discussing with a doctor whether there are any medical reasons why you’re finding it difficult to orgasm quickly. Some medications including SSRIs, some physical and mental health conditions, pelvic floor issues, or hormonal issues can impact the ability to achieve orgasm easily.I also wonder about your own relationship with your body, pleasure and orgasm. Sex research has long found that women regularly orgasm when masturbating, but the likelihood and ease of having an orgasm drops dramatically – up to 50 per cent! – when having sex with a man. This orgasm gap is not because there’s something wrong with women, but because men’s orgasm is often prioritised during partnered sex, and women’s pleasure is not. [ The couple who have sex on their podcast, and narrate in unflinching detailOpens in new window ]Shame, self-consciousness, stress and emotional pressure can also compound the problem, so when women don’t feel desired by their partner, don’t feel comfortable asking for what they want, or feel under time pressure to orgasm – these factors can all cause anxiety, which in turn can prevent orgasm.If you have come to learn that you’re not likely to orgasm from sex, if you think it’s going to take hours, or that your husband isn’t prioritising your pleasure – all of these things could easily be creating an atmosphere that is impacting on your ability to orgasm.What if you took a mental step back from trying to achieve orgasm with your partner for now and spent some time focusing on getting tuned into what feels good for you?When you masturbate, how long does it take you to orgasm, and what works for you? Are you using sex toys that provide clitoral stimulation, using lubricant, fantasising? What makes you feel sexy in yourself – do you like to wear anything that makes you feel good, have a bath so your body is relaxed, or have lights on or off? Get very specific on all the factors that help you to feel sexy and that contribute to making an orgasm feel possible. This will help you communicate to your husband what could feel good during sex. [ My husband has put on so much weight that I'm not attracted to him anymoreOpens in new window ]Even outside of your embodied experience of pleasure, consider all the factors that help or hinder your orgasm. Emily Ngowski has a brilliant book called Come As You Are which explains that arousal works like a system of accelerators and brakes. In this framework, women can experience more “brakes” than men, or things that inhibit their desire. These “brakes” can include stress, anxiety, low body image, a sense of feeling under pressure to orgasm quickly, an overwhelming to do-list, a messy space, etc. I’d recommend that you and your husband read the book and talk about the things that turn you on and act as your accelerators, the things that act as brakes, and how to tip the scales in your favour.This relies on your husband being actively invested in improving your sex life, which I hope he is. Call him into the conversation as an invitation, rather than as a criticism about his performance. Tell him that you want to invest in your sexual life together, and that you’re going to try to understand your sexual pleasure more so that you can both feel fulfilled during sex. Carve out some time for your own solo adventures – and at some stage, you may decide that you want to invite him to watch, or for you both to masturbate together, so you get used to connecting your orgasm with shared experiences.Together, take some time where you do everything but have sex, with the goal not being orgasms but just experiencing embodied pleasure together. Kiss, cuddle, massage each other, touch each other, have him try stimulating your clitoris with his hand or mouth just to learn what feels good. Sometimes taking orgasm off the table and just experimenting and exploring each other’s pleasure without any pressure can help massively.Remember that you can have sex with your husband, but still ‘officially’ orgasm via a sex toy or masturbation. That is an extremely common way that many women reach orgasmWhen you do have partnered sex, remember that you can create your own little menu for sex. His orgasm is not the main end-goal, nor does it mean the end of sex. You can start by masturbating on your own, then bring him in to focus on your pleasure for a while. You could then have sex or do something that feels good for him – without him orgasming. Then return to focusing on you, or return to masturbation, or return to just kissing. If he orgasms, or needs a break or a nap, you can continue masturbating before he rejoins the activities. Remember that you can have sex with your husband, but still “officially” orgasm via a sex toy or masturbation. That is an extremely common way that many women reach orgasm, and you can make sure that when you orgasm, you’re both fully engaged and connected with each other as it happens, in order to make it feel more connected.If you feel like you would benefit from more supportive guidance, a qualified sex therapist or intimacy coach could help you explore and understand your own pleasure, or help both of you with your shared sex life. Good luck.