Dear Roe,I feel like my wife’s aversion to talking about sex and what she likes is diminishing our relationship – and I don’t know what to do. We are together 20 years but over the last few years I feel that for her, sex is now out of a sense of duty rather than desire, and that lack of enthusiasm is demoralising for me. I try to focus on her pleasure, but she isn’t comfortable talking about sex. I bought her a vibrator, but she doesn’t want to use it together. She once sheepishly admitted that she has used it alone. I told her that was great, that I’m glad she’s getting pleasure from it, and that I’d love to use it together, but it’s always “not tonight”. I bought a book on intimate date-night ideas, which is apparently approved by couples therapists, but months later it remains unopened. She never responds positively when I try to initiate sex, it’s only after she suggests it, and even then it’s always very passive language that tells me I can come to bed if I want – never an expression of desire on her part. She only ever wants quickies and gets frustrated if it takes too long. While we engage in some foreplay, she always rejects my offers of oral sex but never tells me what she actually wants, it’s always just repeated rejections of all my suggestions. I love my wife, she’s my best friend, but I feel unsatisfied with the intimate side of our relationship, despite trying repeatedly to talk to her. I’ve suggested couples therapy, but she said she doesn’t think we need it. I find the frustration, her lack of enthusiasm, and sense of rejection very hard to deal with – and I am out of ideas.It sounds as if you feel very alone and frustrated in your efforts to address this problem. Making genuine attempts to open up communication and address issues in your relationship is a form of emotional labour, and to feel like your efforts are being rebuffed – especially on top of feeling rejected – is a lonely place to be, so I feel for you.Couples therapy would be a great idea, so that you two can work together on understanding each other more, communicating clearly and compassionately, and discovering new ways of discussing and experiencing sex that feel respectful, empowering and expansive.[ ‘My wife lets the children sleep in our bed while I am kicked out to the guest room every night’Opens in new window ]I do want to stress that I believe couples therapy could be beneficial in your communication around sex and intimacy, and that’s how I would frame your request to your wife. I do not believe that couples therapy should be used or discussed under a framework of “We need to do this so that you have more sex with me.” If your wife is already in a place where sex feels like a duty, making any form of demand or putting any pressure on her is going to create a chasm of distance between you, instead of facilitating connection. If you want a relationship where your partner has the exact same libido and form of sexual expression as you, you are free to end this relationship and go find it – understanding that most people’s libidos change over time. If what you want is a long and loving relationship with your wife where sex and desire are more easily addressed and explored, you need to create the conditions where that feels possible – which means an atmosphere free from pressure, and genuine efforts to build intimacy, affection, and connection outside of sex.This all starts with trying to understand her more, so you should try to do that.One practical thing to consider is that there could be basic physiological reasons at play here, which may help you take her lowered desire less personally. Perimenopause, menopause, vaginal dryness, thyroid issues, side-effects of medication and life stressors are all common reasons for lowered libido and a preference for quicker sex, as lowered lubrication or energy levels can make prolonged penetrative sex uncomfortable. If she wants to, a chat with a GP could provide more information. I will note, however, that I am increasingly wary of how women’s libidos are being approached as a biomedical problem to be fixed purely to satisfy their partner’s desire – a low libido is only a problem if the individual themselves experiences it as one. This isn’t a suggestion to send her off so a doctor can “fix” her – it’s so she has information and options available to her if she wants them.Express that the lack of communication or enthusiasm around sex, and her lack of engagement with your efforts to improve your sex life, have left you feeling rejected, undesired, lonelyOn the more relational level, it sounds like your wife has difficulty expressing and possibly even understanding her own desire, which frankly is not that surprising. If she’s Irish and you are old enough to be together for 20 years, it’s likely that your wife grew up with not only a lot of silence around sex, pleasure and her body, but explicit shaming. A lot of women are suddenly being shouted at from every direction to “Own your desire!” and “Tell them what you want!” and “Initiate sex!” – when they were never given the internal permission, self-knowledge, or vocabulary to know what they want in the first place. It’s not an easy switch to flip. It’s a slow unlearning of some very deep programming.I also would warn you against overlooking the ways in which she is expressing her desire. You say she does initiate sex, in implicit rather than explicit language – which is still initiating, and quite a common approach for many women. She also prefers quick sex to lengthy sex, which could be down to physiological reasons listed above. I wonder whether your dismissals of the way in which your wife initiates sex and the type of sex she prefers might be compounding her discomfort in expressing what she wants. If she feels like she is trying in her own way and you’re still criticising her, it’s going to be harder for her to open up more.I’d also nudge you to look at your own pattern here. The vibrator, the therapist-approved book, the repeated conversations – they’re all generous and well-meant, and I do really understand and appreciate your efforts in addressing this issue. But stacked together, they could feel like problem-solving aimed at her rather than desire for her. A libido that feels constantly monitored, criticised and deemed to be failing is one that’s more likely to shut down than open up. Maybe step back from problem-solving for a while, and focus on building touch, affection, romance and expressions of admiration that have no destination and aren’t angling for sex. Focus on rebuilding connection and romance, so that if and when her desire arrives, it feels like a safe expression of connection, not an audition or performance review.Bearing all this in mind, open up this conversation with your wife again, with an attitude of understanding and connection. Express that the lack of communication or enthusiasm around sex, and her lack of engagement with your efforts to improve your sex life, have left you feeling rejected, undesired, lonely, and unmet in your partnership – but that you love her deeply, want to understand her experience, and think a therapist would help. Explain that this isn’t about demanding that she change, it’s about both of you learning new ways of communicating and connecting. Tell her this issue is important to you, and that you want to address it in a way that feels safe and supportive for both of you. Tell her you also just want to reconnect generally, to plan some dates and quality time, with no expectation of sex.Hopefully she sees and understands your efforts, and you get to enter the next 20 years more connected than ever. Good luck.