At 96 years old, I find that life is a series of competing realities. Two weeks ago, I felt a surge of energy and began planning a trip to Washington, D.C. Two days later, I felt totally exhausted. I began to wonder--am I "young-old" or "old-old"? The answer continually changes.
As a psychologist who has spent decades studying transitions, I have found that the most difficult transition isn't retirement—it’s the decades that follow. In co-leading a group called "The Aging Rebels" in Sarasota, Florida, I’ve seen a recurring theme emerge among those in their 80s and 90s. We call it the "freedom paradox."
When we are younger, we crave freedom: freedom from the clock, from professional demands, from the "boundaries" of caregiving. But as the group members recently articulated, total freedom can quickly turn into a sense of feeling "marginalized."
One former nurse in our group described the relief of finally having no schedules—no plants to water, no husband to care for, no shifts to pull. Yet, that relief was shadowed by a loss of connection and competency. As one man poignantly asked the group: "Have you tried to buy a smart TV lately?"
One challenge of this life stage is the shift in time perspective. We vacillate between feeling that "time is running out" and having far too much "time on our hands." Without a reason to get up, freedom feels less like a reward and more like a vacuum.
