As fewer people choose to pair up, let alone marry, it could be that our species’ mating patterns are moving closer to the natural order
M
onogamy, you may have heard, is in crisis. Fewer people are in relationships, let alone opting to be in one ’til death. And even those who have already exchanged vows seem to be increasingly looking for wiggle room. “Quiet divorce” – mentally checking out of your union, rather than going through the rigmarole of formally dissolving it – is reportedly on the rise, as is “ethical non-monogamy” (ENM) and opening up a relationship to include other partners.
This is borne out by my experience on mainstream dating apps. About one profile in every 10 I come across seems to express a preference for “ENM” or polyamory, or mentions an existing wife or girlfriend. The best you can hope for, if you’re prepared to accept those terms, is that the “primary partner” really is across the arrangement as described.
From Lily Allen’s headline-grabbing album spilling the gory details of how her glitzy marriage came undone, to Haim’s Relationships, a song that expresses fretful ambivalence about the mere concept of monogamy itself, pop culture narratives seem to be just as cynical about our capacity to commit to one person. No wonder it is hard to feel optimistic about monogamy.
