I wasn’t able to reach the exact future I had dreamed of as a child, but I know now the hardships and failures on the way all counted
My first year out of school was not the easiest. I was lost, full of yearning and big dreams.
I didn’t realise the ways in which my time at school had been containing my anxiety. I was too busy, along with all the other girls, being excited about the future. School and its expectations were there to be railed against, and teachers and rules are to be left far behind. Bring on the future! I would leave home and move to the city to study! I would perform in plays! How thrilling! And wonderful!
But … it wasn’t those things. I was exhausted. I had given the HSC everything and didn’t have the resources for university.
Nor did I feel ready, once I got there, to make new friends. My old ones felt like family; you can’t just snap your fingers and create new relationships. I was doing the wrong course, at the wrong institution, attempting to live in the wrong places and – just to add insult to injury – falling in love with the wrong people. I had a child’s understanding that dreams do come true, just how you imagine they will – exactly that way. You can control the path ahead with the strength of your own desire.
