I can take a lot. I can take the mountains of mess, the pilfering of my possessions, the relentless retail demands (so much deodorant — why?). But what I cannot take is the rudeness. It’s not even just a lack of gratitude for my years of servitude, it’s downright contempt. The way my 13-year-old talks to me makes me feel like I should either scuttle away whimpering, “Sorry, master”, or scream at her in outrage. I have tried both. Neither response makes it any better.
I needed help, from the ultimate authority. Terri Apter is a psychologist who specialises in family dynamics — specifically those between parents and teenagers. She has written many books on the subject, one of which, The Teen Interpreter, has become like a bible to me. In this she explains the extraordinary changes that are occurring in the teenage brain and body, specifically from 13 to 16 years of age. It is a time of growth, learning and adaptation, often scary and overwhelming, that is analogous to the changes occurring in a child in their very earliest years.
But we don’t get angry with a toddler when they are being unreasonable (or at least we try not to). We comfort them. “It’s easier to deal with rudeness in a younger child because it doesn’t hurt you so much,” Apter says. “When a four-year-old says, ‘I hate you, you’re useless,’ the parent knows they don’t mean it. When a 14-year-old says that, you’re not so sure.”
