A little while ago I texted someone who I was casually seeing if he had the “capacity” to continue seeing me because his lack of contact was a ‘boundary issue’ for me. I thought that by knowing his busy schedule and the stress from his job, I was being generous and emotionally intelligent with my language.
Looking back, I realize I wasn’t really speaking like me ― I was using therapy-speak.
“Therapy-speak” is everywhere in dating culture these days. From “gaslighting” to attachment styles, triggers and trauma responses, it feels like the days of simply asking someone about their favorite food or hobby are gone.
Now we want to know about their upbringing, whether they think their father was a narcissist, or we might ask about their favorite childhood memories — only to wonder if they’re “avoidant,” which we might start to wonder whether that explains their supposed lack of emotional maturity and why they didn’t text back within 24 hours.
“I think we tend to overuse clinical labels in casual conversation, and there’s harm in that,” Dr. Erica Rozmid, a board-certified clinical psychologist, told HuffPost. “First, it’s reductive. When we do this, we flatten someone’s complexity into a single trait or pathology. It can also be a way of avoiding our own emotions. Instead of saying, ‘I felt unseen,’ we say, ‘He’s a narcissist.’ This doesn’t mean harmful behavior shouldn’t be named or addressed (it should!) ― but we should be mindful about whether we’re using these labels to understand or deflect.”
