This is a horrible situation. It would be difficult even for an adult, so your daughter definitely needs action
Our 11-year-old daughter is in a “friendship” with a classmate, which we have come to realise is unhealthy and controlling. She was very shy and self-conscious through the early years of school and struggled to make friends, so we were initially delighted that she had found a close friend. However, we’ve become aware that there is a consistent pattern of control from this girl: demands about when and where they meet, or what our daughter can and can’t wear. If our daughter goes against her, she risks being shunned and ignored or spoken to aggressively.
This girl does not let our daughter interact with others without her. There is a barrage of demanding messages and calls at home about arrangements, and we see our daughter being vigilant and tense, having to respond immediately. Sometimes there is unkindness, for example saying our daughter’s clothes are babyish. Around the controlling behaviour, they seem to interact more normally, having fun, playing and chatting – it is this Jekyll and Hyde pattern that makes it so difficult to know how to support our daughter.
We know this girl has problems with anxiety, and haven’t spoken with her parents, but feel we will have to. Our daughter has become more open about what is going on, and we are trying to support her to be more assertive and to recognise that this controlling behaviour is not OK. She seems to understand and feel this to a degree, but so far is not able to say anything. Sometimes she gets angry with us if we talk about it. We see her feeling powerless and want her to move on from this situation. The girls are about to start secondary school and are in the same class.
