Shyam is the kind of all-seeing and all-knowing blind person the movies love. Shyam (Saif Ali Khan) knows how to wrestle and play musical instruments (skills he teaches too). He can also sing, write lyrics and dance. Although we are told that his family back in the Konkan is facing a money crunch, and giving tuitions surely isn’t lucrative, Shyam lives in a swanky apartment building in Mumbai. Shyam is also his housing society’s super-efficient maintenance manager. That he has a heightened sense of hearing and smell is a given.When his neighbour Pradhan, a retired chief justice of the Supreme Court, is stalked by a man he had previously convicted, Shyam offers to help. Parshuram (Akshay Kumar) has been killing the people who had him jailed. Only police inspector Varsha (Saiyami Kher) has cottoned on to this series of slaughters.But Varsha isn’t the chief investigating officer when Pradhan (Boman Irani) is murdered and Parshuram decides to targets Pradhan’s daughter Nandini (Pahal Ashok Chaudhary) – who is being sheltered by Shyam. Instead of Varsha, Shinde (Sharib Hashmi) is in charge, hell-bent on destroying any expectation of basic intelligence from the Mumbai Police.Akshay Kumar in Haiwaan (2026). Courtesy KVN Productions/Thespian Films.Priyadarshan’s Haiwaan is a Hindi remake of his Malayalam hit Oppam (2016), itself a mash of Cape Fear, Wait Until Dark and Qatl. The original was daft, the remake is dafter.Except for giving the hero a better lifestyle and casting a gym-toned actor as the lead, Haiwaan (Beast) is faithful to its source material. All the contrivances and glaring loopholes in the Mohanlal-led-Oppam make it to the Hindi version, written by Priyadarshan, Abilash Nair and Rohan Shankar.Every detail is spelt out, resulting not just in a very slow set-up but also enhanced awareness among viewers of how absurd the premise is. When a film refuses to get going, it’s easier to spot the gaps in the writing, the convenient ruses created to give Shyam an upper hand over a supposedly maniacal, deadly adversary.The thrill of seeing the sightless Shyam in action – he’s nothing less than a Rustom-e-Hind with a white cane – is cancelled out by the sluggish pacing and mostly poor acting. Among the unconvincing secondary characters is Shriya Pilgaonkar as a glam maid. But when the leads are ill-suited to their roles – Saif Ali Khan is too buff and too quick on his feet; Akshay Kumar endlessly glowers – nothing more can be expected from the supporting cast.Haiwaan contains the stock elements found in Priyadarshan’s movies, such as ponderous camera angles, scenes in which characters stand around like in a play, and slippages into unrequired comedy. At least the moment when Parshuram tries to wreak havoc while dressed in a nun’s habit produces the laughs.