“I don’t know how to be a grandmother when there are two mums”. As a queer parent, this is hard to hear from your in-law.
Why should it be any different? Well, for some, seeing their grandchild be parented by two equally involved, loving and competent mums leaves little space for them to be able to swoop in and help fill the gaps left by a 1950s-style hapless dad, as their grandmother did.
Their own precedents and role models for grandparenting existed in a wildly different context. The most generous reading I can give this statement is: “What is my role as the grandmother when you both seem pretty good at mothering without me?”
Queerness aside, maybe it’s easier to be a grandparent when your kid really needs your help and clearly asks for it. If both parents seem like they’ve got the hang of it, how can you still be supportive and pass down your wisdom and experience? And, in the age of parenting podcasts and online influencers, is it any wonder that a grandparent might feel like they’re just an unpaid babysitter, when they’d perhaps like a more meaningful role?
But there is something specific here for LGBTQ+ parents. A grandparent might not ever have seen a queer family before. It may not look how they expect families to look and despite coming to a place of acceptance and openness about their child’s sexuality, despite loving their child’s partner as part of the family and having a jolly good time at their big gay wedding, seeing them with a baby is just, well… not easy.
