Tell me, o muse, of that gargantuan enterprisesoon to overtake both multiplex and iPhone—and how, on the latter, Matt Damon’shard-won muscles will be squeezed intoanamorphic distortion, dismaying oldergay men and suburban moms across the land.Now comes Christopher Nolan’s two-hundred-and-fifty-million-dollar warship,slicing through the roiled and wine-dark sea of summer;by rosy-fingered dawn, the hills will resoundwith paeans to the simple beauty that can be wroughtfrom two-million feet of IMAX filmand a camera the size of a VW Beetle.Chronicling Odysseus’ arduous journey back tohis wife after winning the Trojan War, the tale shouldspeak to anyone whose father went off to run an errandand then took ten years to get home.Various and blood-soaked have beenthe battles waged. Speak now, muse, of theministrations of Damon, friend of Affleckand foe of Kimmel, who bravely grew out his beardfor a year, as if to single-handedly wreak vengeanceon stray crumbs of bread and the heavier soups.Too, Damon retreated from his usual mountaintopof a hundred eighty-five or so pounds and descended into the valleyof a hundred sixty-seven, all by eschewing nefarious gluten.Good habits fuel strong soldiers; any sensiblewarrior would kill his own brethren forDamon’s new waistline. Young Tom Holland,who incarnates Odysseus’ son Telemachus,also labored behind the scenes, rallying to haveSony push back the release date of thenext “Spider-Man,” lest two proximate filmsyield an untoward surfeit of airborne torsos. Meanwhile,Anne Hathaway (Penelope) and Charlize Theron (Calypso)spent many anguished hours determining howclassical women managed to appear unwaveringduring a time that was avant-brassiere. For RobertPattinson (Antinous), the immense challengesstarted when he was sent the script, as Pattinsonhad confessed to GQ that he, like many,did not understand “Tenet.”No less daunting were the conditions on set.Spanning Morocco, Greece, Italy, Iceland, and Scotland—all lands that know their way around a lamb chop—the production put the players through their veritable paces.Some cast members lived seaside for months—yet this was no pantywaist “Mamma Mia” or “Shirley Valentine”day boat. The thespians were oft sprayed withfreshets of water made lively by twin engines, all whilewearing inconvenient footwear; yea, future scribes willsurely change the name of the cinematic genre in questionto “sword and strappy sandal.” Long were the shoots inobscure and mountainous locations with limited Wi-Fi;certain of the hotel accommodations were notablyover-pillowed. On set, the Ozempic-friendly thespians foundthemselves betimes huddling near the craft-services table,blithely unaware that Fielding called Homer’s poem“the eatingest epic.” They played Wordle while awaitingovertime and its dulcet ka-ching.No warrior strove harder than clear-eyed Nolan,who daily tackled the wrath of the studio gods.Heavy is the sword of the man who hasrecently won Best Picture and Best Director.Onto Nolan’s shoulders have fallen all thecriticisms generated in advance of the film’s release,particularly those from podcasts helmed by men shy ofthe outdoors and eye contact. O, the scorn generated bythe call sheet’s dearth of names ending in “akis” or “opoulos.”Likewise by the fact that the film’s already luxuriousrun time could not have been stretched further giventhe physical limitations of IMAX platters—yet anotheremasculating example of how man is technology’s bitch.Throughout, Nolan stood tall. Some wonderif the film’s release will mirror Odysseus’ journey,constituting a vengeance upon all the biliousnaysayers; like the king of Ithaca returning hometo slay the crowd of overfed hangers-on surroundinghis wife, after his victory. Perhaps Nolan’s warship,hard on the heels of “Oppenheimer,” heaves intoport anxious to put to the death a crowd oflotus-eaters who lounge about, trash-talking it.And who shall helm this bloodletting? None other thanSpider-Man (Holland), Catwoman (Hathaway),the Batman (Pattinson), the Punisher (Jon Bernthal),Nakia (Lupita Nyong’o), Kitty Pryde (Elliot Page),and, of course, Jason Bourne. Jason, the Argonot.Yea, even the movie’s merch seems to ridicule the film’sconsumers; behold the Trojan Horse popcorn bucket.