QuestionI need some advice about how to handle a potential friendship break-up. I have been struggling for the last two years to understand the actions of someone I would have considered a good friend but whose personality seems to have changed recently (for reasons I don’t know).My friend has become manipulative and tries to get others to do things they do not want to by talking to others and spreading rumours behind their backs, and manipulating stories by giving everyone a different version. They are also a liar and have been caught lying about where they were for a weekend and who they were with (all seemingly done to gain some sort of intellectual and emotional advantage over others).When they say something now, I wonder whether it is real or not. They fail to see that others in the friend group see through them and talk to each other. I am really annoyed with some things they have said to others behind my back, which they probably think I don’t know about. They are friendly to my face when it suits them, but then use a lack of empathy, not responding to messages, etc, as some form of control.They seem to think I would be devastated if they were not my friend, which is not the case. They are on a complete power and control trip. The thing is, this person used to be nice, empathetic and caring , so I don’t know what has happened. Could they be having some mental health issues?How do I break up with this friend while preserving my own peace? AnswerFriendship is a high-value item in our lives, so having it dissolve is (and should be) a very difficult thing to do. We expect friendships to be enduring and long lasting, but sometimes they can change or fade away. You are clearly hurt by your friend speaking about you behind your back but you are struggling to see this as vindictive because of how good the relationship used to be. You may be right that your friend is going through some kind of mental health issue or other difficulty – indeed fear is usually behind lies and subterfuge, and your friend may be having a crisis of confidence – but you can only help if you are taken into their confidence.You will need to assess the situation carefully to gauge whether your friend is open to hearing from you. If they seem receptive you can ask if they are okay or if they need your help. There is no point in asking if the other person can’t hear or listen to your offering, so this judgment comes first. It may well be that you need to wait for an opportunity when your friend allows some vulnerability, but if this is the case, you will need to protect yourself in the meantime.[ ‘I can’t believe I let this wonderful woman slip through my fingers’Opens in new window ]The temptation is to give back what you are receiving: gossip, resentment and anger, but this just mirrors what you already know is poor behaviour. It takes a lot of strength and self-esteem to be the best person you can be, so look to your own principles and put them into practice. It is obvious that you value honesty, loyalty and empathy, and these are core characteristics of friendship. How can you stand up for these values while also taking a step back so you do not get damaged by the current interactions?You can say, with empathy, to your friend that you need some space and ask that they facilitate this for a while. It is good to put a time limit on this so it is not an open-ended distancing but one where you get together to see how things stand. Kindness is a very powerful trait of friendship, and needs to be extended to your friend and to yourself. If you were being kind to yourself, you would offer compassion, good company and a break from this fraught situation, so do this, and in time you might find you can extend the same to your friend.If your friend is unable or unwilling to take up your offer, then you may need to accept this and let them go. This is all fine as long as you do not attach any vitriol to it, as this will only hurt you.Things change, and our friendships ebb and flow, so acceptance may be the most important practice at this time.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com