QuestionHow do I help my son overcome anxiety around trying new things? He is 12 years old and very reluctant to try anything new.He is a real homebird, which we don’t discourage, but it almost seems like when we suggest going somewhere or trying something that it’s taking precious time away from being at home. Nearly everything has to weighed up around how long he’ll be away – so much so that a weekend away would nearly cause more upset than it would be worth, which isn’t great for us or his brother.AnswerWhen it comes to going out and trying new things, children can have very different personalities. Some children, like your son, are homebirds, happiest surrounded by familiar domestic activities and most secure in regular, predictable routines. Other children are pushing for new experiences and happiest out and about and having new adventures. Some children are in the middle, liking a balance of being at home and new outside experiences.Also, preferences can change and vary depending on their stage of life. For example, some children who were previously happy at home can suddenly push for independence in adolescence and want to spend more time out with friends or in new activities, etc.Take time to understandIn thinking how respond to your son it is important to take time to understand what is specifically going on for him. Open a conversation with him about ‘everyone being different’ – he is a home bird and his brother (and parents) like to go out more. The key is not to pathologise him for being different from everyone, and instead to become curious about his personality and preferences.What does he like about staying at home?How does it make him feel?What does he not like about going out?What makes it difficult for him? Explore anxietyIn your question you raise the issue as to whether he might be anxious and it is worth taking time to explore this. Does he have specific worries or fears about going out? Would he like to go out but is anxious about this? Anxiety usually means a child wants to do something but is stressed about some aspect of this (eg talking to new people) and so avoids the activity altogether. Usually an anxious child ruminates and worries about ‘what ifs’ and imagines things going wrong which stresses them out. Talking through worries and fears, providing patient support and agreeing small steps of progress are all strategies that can help with anxiety. Do seek more support if you feel anxiety is a particular issue for your son.However, it is important to note that anxiety can sometimes mask personality differences. It could be that your son is simply happy spending a large amount of his time at home – he feels anxious only because there is a pressure for him to go out more or that he feel there is something wrong with him because he doesn’t want to go out. Simply going along more with his preferences and accepting his ‘homebird nature’ might reduce this anxiety. Organising family lifeWhile your son might be a homebird, it sounds like his brother (and yourselves as parents) might have different personalities. Managing family life when you have a child who has strong preference about family activities that differs from everyone else’s is very challenging. The way forward is usually about taking time to patiently understand everyone’s needs and preferences, and then exploring ‘win-wins’ compromises and accommodations.Once your son feels understood and he understands the needs of everyone else, you might negotiate options such as: Picking family outings that are easier for him, perhaps including activities that he enjoys, even to some extent, and with others he gets on better with.Travel with family friends or relatives that your son particularly gets on with.Have a clear schedule of how long the outing is and when you will be returning home. Keeping to this, as it might be very important to your son coping.Allow your son to bring familiar activities and props on the trips. For example, facilitating him to have ‘downtime’ reading a favourite book or watching favourite screen.Allowing for alternative arrangements. Rather than all going out together each time, one parent stays home with him, while the other goes out with his brother. Shaking it up and creating one to one times like this can be very beneficial to family life.Accepting your sonA constant dilemma for parents is how much to accept their children as they are, and how much to encourage them to change. In your desire to encourage your son to try out new things, you are of course motivated to ensure he has rich experiences and that he does not miss out on opportunities.However, you have to be careful about ‘over pushing’, especially if this puts stress on your child and if this strains your relationship. When it comes to creating change, it is important to be gentle and patient and to go at your child’s pace.The ideal is to discover your child’s dreams, goals and passions and to align yourself to help them make progress towards these.John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD school of psychology. See solutiontalk.ie