Your attention, please. Look, I know you’re kind of busy right now, adjusting the recline on your beach chair. But while you were busy sipping your third pina colada of the day, a crazy thing happened:This wild little baseball season found itself pulling into the All-Star break. Which could only mean that …Yes, it’s that time again. Time for me to hand out my annual midseason awards. Unlike some major celebrities, I forgot to rent out Madison Square Garden for my glitzy ceremony — which, as usual, will not be hosted by Nate Bargatze, Nate Burleson, Rick Burleson, Mark Buehrle, the cast of “The Bear,” Floyd (Honey Bear) Rayford or Floyd Mayweather Jr.So once again, I’ll just have to do this myself. Remember to hold your applause until we empty the theater (so I can make the swiftest getaway possible). And now … the envelopes, please.AL MVP of the half-year: Yordan Alvarez, AstrosYordan Alvarez, who is leading the league in almost everything, was an easy choice for MVP. (Tim Warner / Getty Images)Is there a more terrifying sight, for any pitcher, than seeing Air Yordan stomping toward home plate in a pivotal moment?Yikes. What a hulkster. Every time I see this, I get flashbacks to curse-smashing Big Papi … or prime-time, bicep-bulging Barry Bonds … or (if you’d like to jump in a time machine) maybe Wilver D. Stargell … or Willie (Stretch) McCovey.If I were managing against this guy, I’d definitely intentionally walk him about 300 times a year. But because that isn’t what’s happening, let’s look at the staggering MVP campaign of Yordan Alvarez.He’s Bondsian and Ruthian — If Alvarez’s second half goes anything like his first half, he’s heading for a more rarified season than you probably imagined: .310, 49 homers and a 185 OPS+. Ready for the complete list of left-handed hitters who have had that season?Babe Ruth five times, Lou Gehrig once, Barry Bonds once … and some mystery man named Shohei Ohtani. Heard of them?He’s leading the league in (almost) everything — We’ll somehow look past the part where Alvarez has an outside shot at the Triple Crown. (He’s second in the AL batting average derby, trailing Yandy Díaz by 17 points.) But we’re only doing that because he has a realistic chance to lead the league in, well, pretty much every other category you care about.At last look, he was either leading the American League, or had led at some point this week, in runs, hits, homers, OBP, OPS, Slugging, RBIs and most times reaching base. Now here’s everyone who has ever led any league in all those departments since RBIs became an official stat in 1913: Carl Yastrzemski in 1967 … and Rogers Hornsby in 1922 … and we’ve officially reached the end of that list.He’s power-lifting a lineup that isn’t quite the 2017 Astros — It isn’t easy to explain how an Astros team this ordinary still has a shot to play baseball in October. But here’s an explanation that will definitely work:Air Yordan plays for their team.What does he mean to Houston’s lineup? See if you can deduce the answer from this:OPS SLGOBPYordan Alvarez1.030 .614 .416Rest of Astros.688 .386 .302 So … he’s obliterating the dudes around him by over 350 points worth of OPS, by about 230 points of slug and more than 110 points in on-base presence? Got it! For the last decade, the Astros have rolled out a bunch of the most prodigious lineups we’ve seen in the 21st century. But let’s just say this isn’t one of them …Except when Yordan Alvarez is waving that bat and staring holes in pitchers’ foreheads across this continent. So why is he the easiest choice I had to make in this column? That’s why.MY AL MVP TOP FIVE (IN ORDER): Alvarez, Junior Caminero, Bobby Witt Jr., Nick Kurtz, Ben RiceNL MVP of the half-year: Shohei Ohtani, DodgersShohei the Hitter plus Shohei the Pitcher adds up to an unbeatable National League MVP candidate. (Ryan Sirius Sun / Getty Images)Can baseball please create a new award for this guy already? Let’s call it the prestigious M-V-Ohtani trophy. Every November, we can hand it out to that Shohei Ohtani dude, snap some photos of him and his dog, and then reveal the voting on the Most Valuable Human Not From The Mysterious Planet Ohtanus award.Maybe I’ve just written these Yeah, him again sections of these awards columns too many times now. But I’m starting to feel sorry for all the normal creatures in our sport. The MVP award used to be a really cool honor. But as long as the incredible Ohtani roams the Earth, how is anyone else in his league supposed to win it?Me to a friend of mine this week: Do I have to pick Ohtani as my MVP again? Friendly reply: You’re legally obligated.Good point. So here we go again. Don’t arrest me. I’ve done what I had to do: Yeah, him again.This year, I tried to convince myself that it was Pete Crow-Armstrong’s time. Maybe even Kyle Schwarber’s time. They’ve been special. Their teams have needed every ounce of special they have in them. Couldn’t I argue that’s been more “valuable” than the latest edition of Shoh Time in L.A.?I could. I think. But that’s not where I wound up. As usual.It really hit me this year how unfair this debate is. Unlike last year, just Shohei the Hitter alone probably hasn’t been quite transcendent enough to run away with this half-trophy. Same with Shohei the Pitcher, in either the MVP or Cy Young Award races. But when we vote for Ohtani in a year like this, we can’t escape reality.He might wear only one uniform, but there are two amazing players inside it. And there’s no MVP power like two-for-the-price-of-one power. So here’s why there was no way to ignore …Shohei the Hitter — on pace to whomp 34 home runs, pile up a 158 OPS+ and flirt with the .300/.400/.500 Slash Line Club, which had only two members (Yordan Alvarez and Yandy Díaz), among full-time players, last time I looked. That seems good. But then there’s that other guy we know as …Shohei the Pitcher — so freaking good at pitching that, if post-All Star Game Shohei matches First-Half Shohei, he’d wind up with a 1.79 ERA, a 232 ERA+, a sub-1.00 WHIP and 10 strikeouts per nine innings. Just so you know, here are all the Dodgers starters in history who have had a season with a 232 ERA+ over at least 150 innings: Nobody! (Clayton Kershaw’s best: 197. Sandy Koufax’s best: 190.)What that means, part one — Shohei the Pitcher could give up a hit to the next 45 consecutive hitters he pitched to (which seems unlikely), and the batters who have faced him still wouldn’t have as good a slash line this year as Shohei the Hitter.What that means, part two — Shohei the Pitcher also could give up a homer to the next 20 hitters he faced (which seems less likely), and they still wouldn’t have as high a slugging percentage as Shohei the Hitter.What that means, part three — Neither PCA nor the Schwarbino can top Shohei the Hitter in OPS+. … And Shohei the Pitcher has a better ERA+ than every starter in baseball not named Jacob Misiorowski. In other words, what the heck! Ohtani is just unavoidable.So I tried. I tried to cure my chronic case of Ohtani MVP Fatigue every way I knew how. I couldn’t do it. Not even the Mayo Clinic could do it. In other words … yeah, him again.MY NL MVP TOP FIVE: Ohtani, PCA, Schwarber, James Wood, Otto LopezAL LVP of the half-year: Vladimir Guerrero Jr., Blue JaysVladimir Guerrero Jr.’s demise, in Year One of his 14-year, $500 million contract, has been shocking. (Olivia Vanni / Getty Images)I can’t even believe I just typed that. Vladdy? As the Least Valuable Player in the American League? What alternative universe could that be happening in?Not to mention he just eked out Cal Raleigh in this upside-down LVP sweepstakes. And I can’t believe I just typed that, either.Raleigh was the AL MVP runner-up last year. Vlad was the ALCS MVP. So that feels like proof that they’re both pretty good. But baseball is hard. And this year, it’s been shockingly hard for both of them.On one hand, Raleigh’s statistical swan dive (.170, with a 68 OPS+) has been even worse than Guerrero’s (.262, with a 90 OPS+ and just five homers in 373 trips to home plate). On the other hand, at least Raleigh had a long injury absence to use as an excuse. Plus his team, the Mariners, has spent most of the last month and a half in first place. So how Not Valuable has he really been?All right, then why Guerrero? I have many mind-blowing reasons. Let’s work through them.Who is under-performing his paycheck more than him? The Man from Vlad is more than just a star. He’s supposed to be the brightest star in the first-base cosmos. He’s the highest-paid first baseman ever. In fact, this is only Year One of his 14-year, $500-million contract. And he just got more All-Star votes than any first baseman. So how can we not notice this:According to Baseball Reference, the Blue Jays are 28th out of 30 teams in baseball in OPS by their first basemen … 30th in home runs … 24th in WAR … and 28 in Batting Runs Above Average. Let’s just say that’s not Charles McAdoo’s fault.He’s taken the “home” out of homer — More than 60 first basemen have hit a home run in their home park this season. Guess who isn’t one of them.Guerrero has dug into the batter’s box in Toronto 190 times this year. But somehow, his last home run in the Rogers Centre was this one — more than 260 days ago.That’s not just shocking. It’s crushing a Blue Jays team with World Series dreams and an offense that desperately needs more Vlad magic. They were 17-4 when he went deep at home last year, counting the postseason. They were 7-1 when he homered anywhere in October.None of this makes sense — Vlad has always gone through stretches where he hit too many groundballs. But this feels like more than just an exaggerated case of groundball-itis.Since 2024, his hard-hit rate has plummeted from 54.8 percent to 50.7 to 44.2. His expected slugging percentage: from .578 to .504 to .410. His rate of home runs per fly ball: from 17.1 percent to 14.3 to 5.7. And somehow, his batting average on fly balls is only .104. That’s more than 100 points worse than league average (.208).So what we have here is a guy who almost never hits the ball hard in the air anymore. And how could that be the same sweet-swinging monster who unleashed this mighty rocket last October?This wouldn’t be the first time an LVP pick made no sense to me. But I don’t know that I’ve ever made one that felt more bizarre than Vlad Guerrero Jr.MY AL LVP “BOTTOM THREE”: Guerrero, Raleigh, Corey SeagerNL LVP of the half-year: Mr. Met, MetsSorry, Mr. Met, but someone had to take the fall for the Mets’ myriad mistakes. (Caleb Bowlin / Getty Images)Just to be clear, I’m not literally delivering this much-uncoveted honor to that beloved mascot thing pictured above. He’s merely the fall guy for a bunch of Mets acquisitions who haven’t stirred any fond memories of David Wright or Darryl Strawberry.Let’s identify the actual culprits. All of them would be more lovable at this point if they dressed up in mascot suits. But it’s a little late for that now.Marcus Semien — In retrospect, did the Rangers seem a little too happy to unload him last winter (for Brandon Nimmo)? As a Met, Semien has been worth a grand total of 0.6 negative bWAR. That’s dead last in the National League among hitters who would qualify for the batting title.Luis Robert Jr. — The Mets were proud of the trade for their new center fielder when Robert was going 5-for-11, with a homer and five runs scored, in his first three games of the year. Unfortunately, the season continued. Whereupon they got to witness the return of Luis Robert Jr., longtime White Sox heartbreaker.