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A viral TikTok trend where women post images of themselves before and after their relationships end and call it a "divorce glow up" just might have some truth behind it.In the videos, women share their transformations in which their post-divorce selves are often fitter, with clearer skin and a new wardrobe."The look in my eyes tells the whole story," one TikTok user, actress Michelle Calloway, wrote in her divorce glow up post. She posted her "glow up" about a year ago and many users have followed suit since. "This wasn't just a visual transformation it was an emotional, spiritual and energetic healing process as well."Divorce doesn't make you prettier, said Annie Wright, a licensed marriage and family psychotherapist. But when cortisol levels are elevated, "the face and the body holds it." When the stressor goes away, cortisol can drop and "the face can even soften, literally."Wright suspects that's what's happening with many of the divorcees posting online.Divorce glow ups are real, expert says. But it's not about how women look post-divorce.A "divorce glow up" is "what happens when a woman stops pouring her nervous system into managing someone else's emotional state," Wright said. "The glow is really energy reclamation, the visible expression of an autonomic nervous system that finally got to rest."It's physiological, Wright said, not cosmetic − though, the internet has glommed on to the outer transformations they've seen among divorcees."Something is happening," Wright said. "Women do often look, feel and function better in the month after leaving a depleting marriage. But again, it's not about the divorce. I think it's about the nervous system."For a lot of women in heterosexual partnerships, Wright said, the invisible, mental load of emotional labor, mood management and over-functioning to keep their relationship and household running smoothly results in a low-grade chronic stress response. Divorce glow ups, she said, are "retroactive evidence of what the marriage is doing to their body."But divorce isn't always the answer to chronic stress, Wright said, because the marriage is typically not the sole source of that stress or unhappiness. Careers, families, friendships, finances, illnesses, caregiving and other stressors sometimes get blamed on marriages. And what women might not share in their glow up posts is the changes they've made in addition to their divorce, like getting a different job, exercising more or starting a new diet.And some women who get divorced find life on the other side of their marriage isn't much better after all. For those women, there is no "glow up" because they likely made a decision from a state of inner chaos and panic, Wright said, and haven't addressed the root cause of their distress."The trend can subtly suggest that healing has a visible aesthetic. Better skin, better body, better wardrobe," Wright said. "But what's actually healing is mostly invisible."'It's OK to start over'Divorce historically has a negative connotation that's often seen not as a marriage problem but as a women's problem, said Jennifer Nouel, a registered clinical mental health intern at The Wave of Edgewater, a women’s mental health treatment center in Florida. Women often bear the brunt of the shame and grief that comes from divorce, and for many women, divorce can be seen as a personal failure.But more than ever before, Nouel said, women are shirking the expectations of previous generations and considering all of their options to happiness, instead of staying in relationships that don't serve them."The influx of women trying to change the narrative (of divorce) and make it a more empowering one is incredible," Nouel said. "Seeing other women survive and flourish during that time, not only is it incredibly inspiring, but it also challenges social norms."The videos let women who are currently struggling in unfulfilling or even toxic relationships know that "it's OK to start over," Nouel said, and rediscover themselves outside of their roles as wife and mother.For anyone going through a divorce, there are more emotions and ups and downs than can ever be conveyed in a 30-second video on TikTok, Wright said. And because of the stigma around divorce, women have largely gone through it in silence and alone.But Nouel believes these video trends and online and in-person forums for women are helping to change that."We're really seeing this empathy in and among women," Nouel said. "That empathy also allows women to kind of see a light at their end of the tunnel."Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.Reach Madeline at memitchell@usatoday.com and @maddiemitch_ on X.
