By CAROLINE WEST-MEADS, AGONY AUNT, YOU MAGAZINE Updated: 06:00 BST, 27 June 2026
Q I have been diagnosed with lung cancer and told they cannot operate because it has spread to lymph nodes and a bone. I do not know whether to tell my estranged daughter and her family.There was a huge bust-up between her and her two sisters two years ago and, despite my efforts to reconcile them, she cut ties with all of us. Her husband and grown-up children have not been in touch either. I cried for months before finally accepting her wishes.My other two daughters wonder if their sister should know about my cancer, but I do not want her to come back out of pity. Part of me feels that she and her family chose this situation and in some ways, I would rather they found out after I have gone. But I also want to do what is best for my other daughters. Should we tell them?A I am so sorry. You are facing two profoundly painful things at once – a frightening diagnosis and the loss of a relationship with your daughter.Family estrangement is heartbreakingly common and I completely understand why part of you does not want to reopen old wounds, especially at such a vulnerable time. However, I do think it is important to consider that people who cut ties often assume there will always be time to make amends later. Then a death occurs and they are left with deep regret, sometimes for the rest of their lives.My instinct would be to tell her, so that she (and your grandchildren) at least has the opportunity to choose how she responds, rather than never being given that choice at all.However, because her reaction cannot be predicted and could also be painful for you, I would strongly encourage you to seek support first. Macmillan Cancer Support (0808 808 00 00) and Marie Curie (Support Line: 0800 090 2309) are both excellent and can help you think through not only this situation but also how and when to speak to your other grandchildren. Research shows that telling them at an earlier stage tends to lessen distress in the long term.If you do decide to contact your daughter, then a simple and unemotional approach may work best. Perhaps a short letter or email along the lines of:‘I understand that you do not wish to see me or your sisters, which is of course very sad. However, I wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with cancer and my prognosis is not good. This may not change how you feel, and you may still not wish to see me, but I wanted you to at least have the opportunity to choose before it becomes too late. My door is always open to you. I love you and I will always be happy to hear from you or see you. We can leave the past in the past if that is easier for you.’You may also find support helpful around the estrangement itself at rejectedparents.net, run by Sheri McGregor. Her website offers support for parents in similar situations, and her book Done With the Crying may help.I know that other readers have also found Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Dr Josh Coleman very helpful.You are carrying an enormous amount of pain and uncertainty, and my heart goes out to you.Q I am 43 and was in an eight-year relationship with a man six years younger. I thought we had a future together. Two years ago, he suddenly left to return to his native Australia, saying there were no good job opportunities for him here. I have gradually recovered, though I am still single. He left a financial mess behind him. Now he has texted out of the blue to say he will be back in England next month and would like to see me. He says he has not been happy in Australia. I would like to see him, mostly to confront him with how appallingly he treated me, but I am still angry and hurt and not sure if this is a good idea.A Honestly, I can almost hear a chorus of readers saying loudly ‘Don’t see him.’ I am sorry that you were so heartbroken and the suddenness of his leaving must have been very painful. But seeing him would sadly achieve little. He didn’t care enough to treat you well then – not because you were not worth caring about but because he is an uncaring man – so telling him how much you were hurt would possibly only serve to inflate his ego. Please don’t give him that satisfaction. You have perhaps heard the phrase: ‘the best revenge is living well’ so let him know, ideally in a breezy and brief style, that you are really busy at the time that he is visiting and you don’t think that you can fit him in. Please also take legal advice if that financial mess remains unresolved. He might owe you money. The Law Society can help you find a solicitor. Lawsociety.org.uk
