Dare I dream that Scotland’s World Cup dream is over at last? The torture of the national side’s performance has been piercing, and the inglorious end that surely awaits cannot come a moment too soon.But let me tell you this, boy, as Rab C Nesbitt used to say.If what happened on the pitch wasn’t bad enough, the antics off the pitch have been even worse. This may be an unpopular view, but I’ve had enough of all this happy-clappy, cheery-beery No Scotland, No Party nonsense.Who are these supposedly delightful kilties marching through the streets of Boston and the beaches of Miami, charming everyone in their path as they drink the bars dry and make the local maidens swoon? I don’t recognise these paragons as my fellow countrymen, who in reality tend to be belligerent, plug-eared and possibly suffering from scurvy.I suspect their reincarnation as a battalion of swaggering heartbreaker Bravehearts is a bigger mirage than Brigadoon itself – but one can still admire the discipline of the Tartan Army on tour.These boys are always on their very best behaviour at international fixtures, even if only to get one over on England’s notorious hooligan fan element; men who can barely walk past a plastic chair or a bin without throwing it at someone.‘Look at us,’ the Scots fans seem to be saying in comparison, ‘we’re doing The Slosh, putting traffic cones on statues and tidying up as we go along. Aren’t we the heroes!’ If what happened on the pitch wasn’t bad enough, the antics off the pitch have been even worse, writes Jan Moir After three lacklustre performances and one scrappy goal, Scotland will have to wait until Sunday to discover if they will progress in the tournament or notWhatever, they certainly deserve more from their team. So much more! After three lacklustre performances and one scrappy goal, Scotland will have to wait until Sunday to discover if they will progress in the tournament or not, but don’t bother looking to their manager for encouragement.‘I think we’re going home,’ said Steve Clarke on Wednesday night. Hark at him, a man who is about as inspirational as a burst balloon on the Titanic’s ballroom floor; someone whose capacity not to learn from his mistakes should never be underestimated.No wonder having a good time is all the fans have got left; it might well be a blessing that for so many of these boozy simpletons, celebrating merely ‘being there’ is enough, even if that is rather sad in itself. If it is the hope that kills you, then the lack of hope is even worse.Still, the impact made by the Tartan Army during the World Cup certainly has put Scotland on the map in a way no billion-dollar advertising campaign ever could.Usually in America, the average citizen has a vague grasp of the where and the who. Speaking for myself, they know that my accent is strange and therefore I have come from far away, but after that it’s anyone’s guess.‘Scotland? Is that the place with the kangaroos?’, someone once asked me. Unless they have Celtic inheritance themselves or are Outlander fans, Americans don’t have a clue about Scotland.Now, however, everyone has gone barmy for the Tartan Army and its homeland in ways both wondrous and ridiculous. Massachusetts State Senator Paul Feeney was so enthused he wants the fans to come back every year. ‘Let’s get together and make this an annual event,’ he said, with some vague notion that Scotland could play the USA football team ‘or even Ireland’ to give the reunion a sporting purpose.An admiring psychiatrist went on TV in Boston to say the world could learn a lot from the Scotland fans’ positive attitude towards defeat, even if their positive attitude to the consumption of alcohol is probably the key factor here.Down in Florida, after Miami police stopped a fan from placing a cone on a statue in Little Havana, Commissioner Rolando Escalona stepped in to officially bless the tradition, apologise for the initial reaction and then tell Scottish fans to ‘go cone-crazy’.Meanwhile, social media was awash with praise for all things Scottish. ‘Scotland wasn’t on my bucket list but now I can’t wait to go there,’ was a typical response.But how will they feel once they arrive in the land of porridge and grievance; a place where the rain is horizontal, the sausage is square, many opposing political beliefs come deep fried in rancour and everyone is still arguing about whether or not you could see a 24 ft motorhome from a kitchen window three feet away.A place where the former leader of the ruling party has now left the country she professed to love, while her estranged husband has just been given a five-year jail sentence for embezzling £400,000 of party funds.The current leader of said party, a childhood friend of the embezzler, is refusing calls for a public inquiry into the scandal saying there is nothing new to learn, fingers in ears and la la, yes sir, we can boogie, boogie woogie all night long.No Party, No Scotland, No Scotland, No Party. There is a truth in there somewhere, but who knows what in the name of crystal cruet sets it is any more?Here I am, beaming in from a cosy wee nook in The Tam O Shanter, the oldest and most famous Scottish-themed restaurant in Los Angeles. Along with the Tartan Army (California Chapter) we have settled in to watch the Scotland-Brazil game and indulge in some traditional Celtic hospitality.Opened in 1925, this steakhouse near Glendale has a tartan-themed baronial decor, bagpipes on the ceiling and a menu of traditional Scottish fare such as, um, Yorkshire puddings, Bonnie Prince Charlie-cut steaks and Welsh Rarebit made to an ‘authentic Scottish recipe’. This is three slices of pale toast with a bowl of liquefied pink cheese patched with yellow – as if someone had crammed Mr Blobby’s left buttock into a broken blender.Not only are the Scots not very good at football, we’re also not very good at marketing ourselves as a culinary superpower. There’s even an ‘English Trifle’ on the menu, which is the worst insult of all, even more insulting than Brazil’s first goal.Reese’s oh-so normal tycoon Reese Witherspoon attends the New York premiere of Prime Video's Elle this weekReese Witherspoon and boyfriend Oliver Haarmann made their red-carpet debut at the Elle TV show premiere in New York this week.Reese and piece have been together since 2024, but usually like to keep a low profile.Many are thrilled to see Reese is dating a civilian rather than another boring famous person.And what does darling Oliver do for a living, exactly? He made his money in venture capitalism and is just an ordinary, everyday billionaire.So that’s nice.A Bird-brained posing posho Lara Bird crossed her fingers while she was swearing an oath in the House of CommonsWhat did the poor people of Broughty Ferry do to deserve Lara Bird, Scotland’s newest and – in a crowded field – quite possibly ghastliest SNP MP?She took the oath of allegiance to King Charles but crossed her fingers while doing so, thus establishing herself as an anti-British, anti-unionist, childish, performative loser who wants all the privileges of Westminster while sneering at its traditions.Posho Lara – real name Pyla Lara Bird-Leakey – cares more about Gaza and her own curated collection of luxury beliefs than she ever will about her constituents.Worst of all, Lara was educated in England but has dialled up her Scottish accent to suit her new post. All of a sudden, she sounds less like Downton Abbey’s Lady Mary and more like Janet the housekeeper in Dr Finlay’s Casebook. But she’s not McFooling anyone, only herself.Good old King Charles, showing his support for the Afghan women’s cricket team this week. ‘I’m so glad you can pursue what you want to do,’ he told them at a reception. The squad comprises exiled athletes who fled their country following the Taliban’s 2021 return to power. The women are campaigning to make the International Cricket Council formally recognise them – and sanction the Taliban for its ban on women playing sports. A just cause that deserves all our support.If you really like Taylor, let her enjoy her big day Taylor Swift attending the event where she was officially inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame this month in New YorkFor many years, Taylor Swift has negotiated her stratospheric level of fame with admirable grace.Despite the intense level of scrutiny and the fevered attentions of her fans, she has somehow managed to live a life, fall in love, be a proper person.Yet even she must be losing patience with the fevered attention focused on her upcoming nuptials. Everyone is obsessed with the location, the venue and the details such as guest screening, the No Plus One rule and the levels of secrecy.It is easy to see why Swift’s wedding has to be organised like a military operation, but it’s equally easy to forget that this is also a romantic ceremony.I do hope that those fans who feel a deep emotional connection with their heroine manage to let go enough that she can enjoy her big day in peace and tranquillity. Fat chance.You’re not the victim Huw, so just pipe downHuw Edwards is a ruined man, found guilty of making indecent images of children. A more circumspect character might have disappeared into the shadows, but Edwards is not that way inclined.The former BBC newsreader has joined the self-publishing site Substack, where he promises to post once a month about matters close to his heart, ie, himself. And more pertinently, how he has been wronged and misunderstood.‘I am ready to be unflinchingly honest about the reality of long-term mental illness, and the continued failure to recognise its devastating effects,’ he writes, peevishly.I think we all know where this is going. So listen, Huw. Neurodiversity and depression didn’t force you to look at 41 images of children being abused, nor travel across the country to meet a troubled teenage boy in a hotel.We all knew Huw didn’t have any morals. This proves he doesn’t have any sense, either.