By CAROLINE WEST-MEADS, AGONY AUNT, YOU MAGAZINE Updated: 11:04 BST, 20 June 2026
Dear Caroline,My daughter is at university with a boy she knew (but was not friends with) at primary school. He has very wealthy parents. She told me that she knows he is often high on cocaine and that she was worried because she has seen him doing dangerous things while out of his head, including driving. I still have his mum’s number on an old WhatsApp group and felt that she should know, based on how I would feel if I was his mother. So I called her and told her as tactfully as I could that I had heard a rumour about his cocaine use. She got very cross, asked how I knew, told me to mind my own business and hung up. I happened to see this woman in the supermarket a few weeks later and she totally blanked me, as did the mutual acquaintance she was with. I feel awful about it as if I have done something wrong – but also very angry because I was just trying to help. When our children were at school together, I heard rumours about her own recreational cocaine use. Could guilt be part of her reaction? Children often absorb what is made to seem normal around them, and I’d argue that there is no such thing as ‘recreational’ cocaine use, writes Caroline West-MeadsCaroline West-Meads replies:You did nothing wrong. You acted out of concern, not malice, and I think most parents would hope that someone would alert them if their child was behaving recklessly with drugs. Unfortunately, people rarely react calmly when confronted with something frightening about their children and, yes, guilt may well be part of this mother’s anger. Children often absorb what is made to seem normal around them, and I’d argue that there is no such thing as ‘recreational’ cocaine use. Cocaine is an illegal drug linked to violence, exploitation and misery far beyond the person taking it. Parents who have blurred those boundaries themselves can find it especially hard to face the possibility in their own child. Pursuing the matter further with her is unlikely to help and may only deepen her hostility. Meanwhile, your daughter sounds sensible, compassionate and mature enough to recognise dangerous behaviour and act appropriately, so reassure her that she has also done all she can. However, the one area where I would not advise silence is the drink or drug-driving. If you believe this young man is getting behind the wheel while high, that moves beyond private family matters into public safety. In that situation, reporting a suspected crime would be justified. You could call the non-urgent police number 101 or report anonymously at crimestoppers-uk.org. Concern for others is not a character flaw so please don’t let this woman’s unreasonable reaction make you feel guilty.Should I build bridges with my father?Dear Caroline,My father is not a bad man but he was very strict when we were children. He always seemed angry. We had many arguments in my late teens and early 20s that never really got resolved, and we have kept a cold but respectful distance ever since, mostly for my mother’s sake. However, as a father of teen boys myself, one of whom is particularly challenging, I now realise that this role isn’t easy. I often catch myself being angry when I am really just stressed. I don’t send Father’s Day cards but this year I wonder whether I should try to be a closer and better son.Caroline West-Meads replies: Yes, Father’s Day can bring up many thoughts, difficult or loving – sometimes both. Perhaps you need to put aside the idea of being a ‘better’ son because maybe the surface-level relationship you have had with your father was the only possible one until now. However, I’d always encourage closeness and forgiveness and it seems that age and experience of fatherhood’s difficulties have given you a new perspective. So perhaps send him a text wishing him a happy Father’s Day and when you next see him, gently explain what you have told me. Meanwhile, take this opportunity to talk to your sons about how difficult things were between you and your father, and that sometimes you get angry with them when you don’t mean to. Open, honest communication upwards and downwards will help foster better relationships with the people you love.
