QuestionMy problem is the AI relationship my partner has become deeply involved with. It’s like my husband has got himself an AI therapist.It first started with him seeking advice, but suddenly there’s no longer just two of us in this relationship.He’s constantly telling me all the advice that AI is providing him with, and he adds it is always without judgment. I know this is a dig at me, as he feels I am very critical of him. And he says he is experiencing himself being heard fully for the first time in his life, in a way he has never known – another dig at me as he says I never listen to him.My dilemma is multifold. First, is the way for me to stop this to confront him and give him an ultimatum? I am going out of my mind, and I know that whatever I say, he will put it into AI and get advice on how to handle me.Secondly, I now feel very judged by AI. I know he is putting in all my faults and getting told what is wrong with me. AI is so positive with him, and I think he loves being told that he is in the right.Thirdly, our relationship always struggled with intimacy but, honestly, I now feel that all the closeness is between him and AI. I am not computer literate so can’t compete and I feel angry, resentful and a bit hopeless. Getting him to seek help is a non-runner, as he will say he’s got everything he needs, at last. Please help.AnswerIt might be important to separate out the issues. Your relationship has a number of things to sort out. These include criticism, judgment, listening and intimacy. On top of this your husband is using AI in a particular manner that leans towards his perspective.An ultimatum is probably not the way to go. If you want this relationship to survive you need to take a step back and consider what is happening. You might try meeting your husband where he is at (this will take some personal self-management) and this requires that you put down your objections and find out what he is getting from AI and how this is a support to him. This involves asking genuine questions and really trying to understand his perspective.Perhaps he has felt that the emotional literacy in the relationship was beyond him and now he has a frame for expressing everything and he is excited by this. What you want is for both of you to feel understood by the other and to have a way of asking for and receiving genuine compassion and love. This is not something AI can offer but it perhaps can be a stepping stone if you jointly engage with it, or at least if you can be grateful that it has highlighted the blocks to your relationship being successful.In any conflict, it takes only one person getting off their stance of righteousness to tilt the conversation towards something new. It is not a doormat move, but rather one of wisdom, to fully understand the position of the other; then they will feel able to inquire about you and your difficulties and thus things move away from divisive positions that can be very entrenched.You clearly want intimacy, as it seems so does he (as his closeness to AI suggests) so seek this in many ways: physically, emotionally and mentally. Inquire how AI’s advice can bring about more intimacy and ask if you can join in asking it questions on how to make your relationship better. With time, you can ask AI if going to see a couple’s therapist might be a good idea and, assuming the answer is yes, your husband may be able to accept it as a good step.You and he have much to decipher, untangle and unlearn in how you relate to each other, and there is no doubt that having an experienced psychotherapist work with you will benefit the relationship. Demanding that he abandon AI, or chose between it and you, will no doubt escalate the conflict and could bring about an early demise to a relationship that you seem to value deeply.You could do a course in AI and this would offer you knowledge and ability in an area where your husband is finding solace and this might again change the terrain of division that currently exists. AI is a tool that can be used for the benefit of users, but when the attention of one person in a relationship dives deeply into it and the consideration is drawn away from the loved one, there is a problem.Rather than raging against AI, you might reach for someone you love, join them where they are and then nudge them towards more healthy options for gaining intimacy, closeness and acceptance.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com