There are things that even when you share them again and again, still make your stomach turn. Writing the whole truth, what really happened without any filter, is always frightening. The fear of exposure still accompanies me, and even the fear of seeing the words describe moments of terror, success, and perhaps even using the word “healing” (knock on wood).
There are so many moments in my long journey, and it is hard for me to decide where to begin. So I decided to start not from the beginning, but from the moment the treatments ended. For the first time - and yes, I went through it twice - I went through difficult treatments: Chemotherapy, biological therapy, hormonal treatment, radiation, and two surgeries. And most of the time I was actually okay. I was in control. I managed my own treatment, made decisions, and most importantly - I had a supportive environment.
That moment when I sat in the treatment chair in the oncology ward will never leave me. I found myself full of pity and tears, listening to other women saying goodbye to the amazing team that had accompanied them for long months. The team hugged them and said warm words of farewell at the end: “And please - don’t come back here again.” For them, the medical stage ended successfully. But we, the survivors, speak a completely different language in those moments: A language of fear, even terror, deep uncertainty and pain that only we understand.
