Footballer has 664 million followers but his boring presence is a reminder of how reel-life destroys what it touches
B
uy the backpack airlines hate. Fawn strangely at a child athlete. This TV presenter drank olive oil for a month and absolutely nothing happened. The streets (no actual streets involved) won’t forget (robots can’t forget) Paul Pogba (or equivalent coding).
Nineties dance hits. Ruben Amorim loyalists. Argue with fake fans over a fake photo of fake empty seats. Buy a backpack that hates you because you once thought about buying a backpack, and like a Hungarian grandmother it will never, ever forget and you will be punished.
Olive oil. Paul Pogba. The seven-step Thai chair workout that transformed me from a fat old man to a fat old man in a chair. Basically, feed me, keep feeding me because I have a hole that can never be filled, and this simple tablet can dissolve all the vile seething parasites inside your body. Buy my backpack. My backpack full of hate.
