After the birth of her son during lockdown, the Welsh actor was flooded by disturbing thoughts she couldn’t shake, a plunge into darkness and isolation. She discusses how it changed her and what helped her recover
K
imberley Nixon’s memoir, She Seems Fine to Me, is out on 7 May, and she’s quite terrified. This isn’t an author worried by sales figures or reviews. Nixon’s book is an up-close-and-personal account of perinatal OCD. It tells of the dark, disturbing thoughts that taunted and haunted her after the birth of her son: her racing mind, relentless rumination, the Technicolor horror stories that played inside her head, always centred on harms to her baby. The book holds nothing back.
“Is it really brave or is it really stupid?” says Nixon. “In my head, I’ve written a book about what a horrible person I was and put it out in the world – and I have to keep reminding myself that’s not it. I’ve written a book about a mental health condition and trying to fight it.”
Its publication coincides with maternal mental health awareness week. “The nature of this – the content, the detail – is so taboo. You don’t want to share it. You keep it hidden, and that made me worse and stopped me getting better for a long time. I’m genuinely worried that people will misunderstand or read snippets and look at me differently and think I must be a horrible person to have those horrible thoughts – then all my insecurities about my OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) will come true.” On the other hand, this book might help set her free. “If I can do this,” she says, “if I can say it out loud and let it wash over me, it’ll be the biggest step in my recovery yet. Fingers crossed!”
