Tories are convinced McSweeney’s phone is the only one in London not to have been stolen | John Crace

Having painted London as a crime-ridden no-go zone, you’d have thought the Conservatives might cut McSweeney some slack

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n recent years, the Conservatives and the rightwing media have gone to great lengths to tell us that London has become a no-go zone. A hellscape where women are afraid to leave their homes. Where every person of colour is a criminal. Where simply using your phone is an invitation to be mugged. Where the police do nothing, and to make it through the day alive is as much as anyone could hope for.

So you would have thought that when Morgan McSweeney, Keir Starmer’s then chief of staff, rings the police from his personal mobile to report that his government phone has been stolen, the Tories might cut him a little slack. What do you expect if you are mad enough to be using your phone at 10.30pm on a London street? Count yourself lucky you weren’t killed.

Only, it turns out the Tories are convinced that McSweeney’s is the only phone in London not to have been nicked. This is the Mysterious Affair of the Phone That Was Not Stolen. For rightwing hacks, it is the biggest scandal since Labour’s lockdown Currygate. Some believe to this day there are photos of Angela Rayner drinking tequila shots off a semi-naked Starmer and that the police were bought off with a chicken jalfrezi and a couple of garlic naans.