There’s a new phenomenon hitting dating apps in recent months: People are now explicitly looking for a “slow burn.”
It’s a bit different from the more obvious intentions that were popular five years ago, like “looking for a partner in crime” or a “friends with benefits, only” situation. In some ways, the “slow burn” feels like a mashup of the two: someone looking for a real relationship — albeit slow-going — that will most likely involve the benefits of a relationship, like sex, eventually (or sooner rather than later).
That was my experience earlier this year with a guy I met on Bumble. He was a military doctor who lived in a different city. He was busy. A lot. We texted frequently, but meetups were few and far between. I figured it was a slow burn — we were taking our time getting to know each other. We weren’t rushing; we were pacing.
According to Laurel House, relationship expert and dating coach at eharmony, a slow burn romance is one that takes time to grow. “Initially, daters might say they don’t feel chemistry but might sense a potential for a connection or even a ‘just friends’ vibe. That is all OK, as long as they don’t discard the potential after one date,” she explains.
As the connection grows, House said, the slow burn feelings “are simultaneously beginning to root into the hearts and minds of the new budding couple (or even just new friends). It’s actually a good thing chemistry isn’t initially felt within a slow burn build, because chemistry — like fireworks — hits hard and fades fast. Slow burn, on the other hand, creates the environment for true intimacy: emotional intimacy.” That intimacy is built through “confidently vulnerable conversation” where both people open up emotionally.
