Couples often feel like they have the same arguments over and over again.
As a therapist, I’ve heard many couples describe how a seemingly minor disagreement can spiral into an intense fight that goes unresolved, and eventually repeats without changing or improving. Even when they’re not fighting, these couples report an underlying tension between them that makes it difficult to enjoy their relationship.
To break this pattern, I encourage them to start a “relationship bank account,” in which they make “deposits” when they’re not in conflict. These deposits are actions that make the other person feel like their happiness is being prioritized.
The current account balance reflects how safe and secure couples feel in their relationship. A positive balance means they know they have the emotional “funds” to handle any surprise “bills” with a minimum of conflict; a negative balance means any unexpected “charge” can send them into a “debt” spiral that causes a blowout fight.
Ultimately, the goal is to make more deposits than withdrawals, with arguments becoming less intense and, eventually, less frequent.
